The hb has just left his first job, and he’s with a local bank for two weeks now.
The official working hours are 0900 to 1830, half an hour more than the typical 8-hour work day; the unofficial working hours, as they have informed him matter-of-factly during the interview — 0900 to 2000, at the very least.

I’m getting used to the new routine. Going home on my own, getting dinner and dining alone. Or waiting for the hb to get back to have dinner together on days he manages to knock off before 8pm.
On top of Tuesdays for kickboxing, I have started attending Yogasana classes on Thursdays. Jogging is either on Thursday (before Yogasana class, if I work from home and manage to finish work by 530pm) or weekends. I’m now considering jogging on nothing-to-do Fridays.

But this brings back very very bad memories of my ex-company. Ha.
Something is really wrong with the local firms’ work culture.
Leaving at 8pm is almost an expectation. Setting meetings at 6:30pm is a norm.
His company off-site meeting is going to take place on a Saturday.

But well, it’s for his career advancement and he should grab every opportunity he has.
He’s getting used to it too. The 2nd week  has been much better than his first week – where he got home past 8pm and fell asleep by 10pm. Almost like a little boy in his first week of school.

The company is undergoing major restructuring – I can’t reveal details – but it’s going to be interesting and unsettling.
I’m actually looking forward to the start of the next fiscal year in July.

The hb’s sister would be staying with us for the next three months, starting tonight.
Her very smart school apparently posted her to do her internship with a company located in changi business park – when she stays in CCK. Of course we said yes, when she asked if she could stay with us for three months.

I’d be lying if I say I’m welcoming her with open arms.
And I feel bad admitting that, because if it were my own sisters, or even my ex tuition kid, I’d welcome them wholeheartedly.

I dislike kids who are spoilt brats, have attitude problem or are lazy, but I don’t mind them as much as kids who are rude and disrespect the elderly. Or kids who think the world owes them a branded bag.

I also feel bad for not liking her. And for not wanting to try.
But it didn’t stop me from lugging four heavy bags of toiletries and food stuff back home, just so she will feel reasonably comfortable staying with us.

I need a bigger and stronger heart.
Do not expect a thank you when you offer to wash her clothes for her. Do not look appalled when a 21-year-old says she does not know how to iron her clothes. Do not judge when she asks her brother who irons his clothes for him.

Damned if we do, damned if we don’t.
No one will thank us if we do this well.. but do something ‘unacceptable’, we will get all the blame. After all, “taking care” of someone is a very vague term that can mean anything from providing a bed to becoming her servant.

I’m hoping for a peaceful three months ahead.

Before I know it, another month has flown by since the last entry.

I finally logged on to wordpress and somehow, somehow this entry appeared on my dashboard as a top post. All the way back in 2008, on Feb 29, when I was in Japan, almost cashless but all excited about exploring Kyoto on my own, and a Korean colleague who looks like Takuya.

It’s difficult to believe we just had another leap year this year.
Hence four years have passed since that entry.
(“Takuya” eventually got posted to Singapore.. and then left the company. )

All thanks to the replacement holiday (for Vesak Day) mandated by the company, I’m enjoying a nice and quiet Monday morning at home.

It’s nice not to be traveling for work. I feel more sane, more grounded, and probably happier.
I get to keep up my exercise routine, though I seem to be gaining weight (no, not from having a baby).
But I refuse to step onto the weighing machine to verify it.

Visiting the spa for my regular facial has become a stressful affair.
I think it started back in Feb, during one of my visits, my regular therapist asked me, in Mandarin, “你好像胖了hor?”

I said I’m not sure, maybe I did, because it was just shortly after Chinese New Year and I was traveling for work quite a lot and didn’t have time to exercise.

But three weeks later, when I saw her again, she asked the same question again. The minute I laid down on the bed for my facial, she asked, “你有没有想要减肥?”.. and proceeded to tell me they have a new slimming/toning package that I might want to try. I was a little pissed off but I said nothing. And of course, I didn’t buy that package.

When I visited again, another three weeks later, she asked again – as if it were a NEW discovery – “你是不是胖了?”
I remembered feeling rather grumpy that day, and I replied grumpily, “有吗?!!!?”

The things people do to sell packages…

I still go to her. Because despite the concern she shows over my fat butt, she is pretty good at saving my skin – literally.
But it has become a constant battle. I’d try to talk before she starts, so she does not have the chance to slip in the ultimate question. Since Feb, I’ve only succeeded in distracting her once.

It got me worried, because except for that one time, she has been asking me the same question. Does it mean I am piling on weight every time she sees me?

I try to console myself that it is probably the language.
There’s no way to ask this in Mandarin without implying you are fat.

In English, we ask “Have you put on weight?”, and it sounds pretty neutral. A skinny person can put on weight and remain skinny.
But you can’t translate this to Mandarin, “你体重是不是增加了?” Which is odd and in any case, it still makes you sound like a fat animal.
Thus, the most straightforward way to ask is “你是不是胖了?”
Whether you like it or not, “胖了” ALWAYS means the SAME as “胖”.

So yes, that’s my rant for the month. Haha. How eventful. 

I’d initially wanted to write more about 《再见单人床》, the only Mediacorpse drama I’ve bothered to catch in the past few years.
I still think it’s a meaningful show to watch, though the ending is, not unexpectedly, bad.

Which is a pity, for all the tongue-in-cheek conversations about love and  marriage, for the realistic portrayal of married couples in their 20s, 30s, 50s.. And the ending is just, bleh.

If your husband beats you up for an affair that never took place, would the lesson you learn be “Oh it’s because he loves me more than I love him..”?!! And what are the chances of you meeting a random old couple giving you flowers in the middle of a garden.. to trigger this realization?

I really think the husband beat her up because he could stand her weird accent no more. Seriously. Enough. of. the. weird. accent.
Best actress or not. Maybe she’s good in the other dramas she’s in, a pity I have never watched them.
All the cast in this one deserves an award, except her.

Anyway. Go catch it online if you haven’t.
Even the theme song is good!

婚姻不是一加一等于二，而是0.5加0.5等于一。
真的。

But alas, I wrote a few sentences.. and decided to take a break.
I never came back to complete the entry.. until now.

Now, where do I begin?
This is always the first question I ask myself when I attempt to start an entry.. and somehow always fail to answer.

I have somehow lost the sense of urgency to articulate my thoughts and feelings.. or perhaps the will to do so. I wouldn’t use time (the lack of it) as an excuse. In my free time, I’ve chosen to bury myself in Korean dramas / blog-shopping/browsing / bimbotic (but entertaining) blogs instead.

So, let me attempt.

It’s Monday today and I’m returning to work after a 2-week break.
I woke up at 6:30am and it was POURING. Not wanting to worsen the Monday blues by getting stuck in a traffic jam (or squeezed in the MRT), I decided that I should work from home instead.

Best decision ever.

Since I couldn’t go back to sleep, I started work at 7:15am. By 9am, I have cleared about half the emails. At 9:40am, the hb was still stuck in a bad traffic jam despite leaving the flat at 8:30am.

It’s nearly noon now and I am down to 13 unread emails.
I didn’t count the number of emails I started with, just so I wouldn’t overwhelm or depress myself. The trick I have learned over the years is to sort my unread emails by subject, simply read the latest thread and DELETE ALL the earlier threads if the problem has already been resolved.
For unresolved issues which I have no answers to, I throw the ball back into the other party’s court by asking questions.
For unresolved issues which I have answers to, I reply either in order of 1) preference or 2) importance.

I should be feeling good great about going back to work after a pretty long break.
I should be bursting with renewed energy.
Yet I just feel.. OK? As in, neutral.

Seoul/Jeju was great.
I’m really glad we decided to do free-and-easy instead of following a tour group. And it was a good thing we had similar traveling/vacation styles – i.e. no rushing, no over-packed itineraries, no more than 4 venues a day.

The week after Korea passed by too quickly. Too much laundry to do, I guess. Haha.

I’d thought of using the week to meet up with friends, catch up on my reading etc.. but didn’t do much of those except for karaoke with the sisters and lunch/tea with the bloggies and baby Ethan. Besides these, as well as spending the entire Saturday in bed (LITERALLY) due to extremely bad cramps, I honestly do not remember much of the past week.

Back to work.

I sometimes wonder if my lack of enthusiasm is because I’m not enjoying the current portfolio as much as I did with the previous. Yet I remember being bored to tears with my previous workload and nature of the work, perhaps because I was there for four years and I had just about enough.

Perhaps it is also because the highs aren’t as high and the lows are really low.
I might feel proud of something I have accomplished, but the feeling does not last for more than a day before I’m hit with a new low. One minute I feel really good that people like my presentation on the power of consumer knowledge and how they can do it on their own, and the next minute someone comes to me and tells me to get the data for them.
I can’t seem to get a sustainable high to tide me over the low, to keep me going.

Or perhaps it is because I am uncertain about the future.
It’s no secret that I am mentally not ready for kids, everyone including the hb knows.. but we will be trying for one. To be precise, the hb would be trying and I would not be stopping it from happening.

I have not fully recovered from Grave’s Disease – my thyroid level is back to normal but antibodies is not – and the doctor has advised that now is the best time to try for a baby (while I’m still fairly young) before I go back to the thyroid medication. Based on my progress in the past 2 years, it seems unlikely that I’d be able to fully recover (ie getting antibodies back to normal range) in a short time. Hence I’ve stopped medication for the past one month.

So since I’m not sure when this is going to happen, work becomes uncertain too.
The boss has hinted that if I continue to perform well in this assignment in the next 12-18 months, I should be due for an assignment change and possibly a promotion.
The competitive streak in me says, “Go for it!“, but the pessimist tells me:
1) What does he mean by ‘performing well’?
2) I don’t know how to perform well
3) Performance/Promotion is not possible with a baby
4) So what if I get promoted? It’s a vicious cycle

This assignment requires a high level of energy and shitload of traveling (when the travel budget comes in again in July) in order to be in it. I’m not even talking about performing well. To perform well, I need good brains and a lot of luck.

Despite all the talk about gender equality, a baby and a career is mutually exclusive.
There, I have said it. It’s sad but true. I have to choose.

And the problem is.. I don’t wish to choose.
I seem to have already made a decision.. but deep down, I guess I am not convinced.

This must be the nth time I’m writing about this so you can/should stop reading at this point if you feel like jumping out of the window.
Writing helps me crystallize my thoughts, and I think I’m finally getting honest with myself.

It doesn’t answer any of my questions; it doesn’t ease any of my doubts but at least I know why I am feeling this way.

Right now, I need to tell myself this:

I’d want a kid someday.. I’d once thought I’d be ready 2 years after the wedding, maybe 3 – but it’s been more than 2 years and I’m still hesitant. So if I don’t do anything about it now, I might feel the same.. 5 years down the road.
And I’d be LKK by then. Haha.

I should trust my dear friends, who look super ready to be moms and are already moms, when they tell me no, no one will actually be fully ready to be moms.. maybe not even when the baby is born.
I hope my maternity instincts will somehow kick in.

Most importantly – We can never predict the future; no point fretting over it now!
I will be fine, we will be fine.

单看以上形容，不看剧名，很可能把它当成一般穿越时空闹闹笑话改改历史的戏码。
《步步惊心》说的，是历史、是文学、是亲情、是爱情、是友情。
没有企图改变历史，一开始就知道结局。
但过程中的步步为营、步步惊心，既精彩又揪心。

我很冷静的把大结局看完。
没有哭；连热泪盈眶也没有。
直到落幕的数十分钟后，才觉得… 痛。
原来，没有眼泪的难过，叫“震撼”。

爱情，没有人能够完完全全理解。
三百年前，三百年后，都一样。
不懂。

以为是疼爱，其实是伤害。
以为是保护，其实是包袱。
以为是放手，其实是束缚。

或许爱是简单的，但是时代、环境、还有人，让它不得已地扭曲、复杂化。

来自未来世界的若曦一开始就知道每个人的结局 – 除了自己的。
但这并没有让她过得轻松快乐，因为过程才是真正的未知数，真正让人步步惊心。

若曦和八爷、四爷的爱情，撇开他们的三妻四妾不提，其实很真实、很“现代”。

若曦知道八爷最终不会登上皇位。如果跟他在一起，最多只有十年的时间。
于是，她要他在皇位和她之间作出选择。

是爱得太深，不想面对十年后的失去，所以宁愿不曾拥有？
还是爱得不够，所以任性地考验对方，要他在自己和毕生的理想之间取舍。
或者，纯粹想衡量自己、衡量爱的价值，是否爱能改变历史？
又或者，纯粹现实地选择有“保障”的依靠？

是爱得不够吧。
找不到拒绝的理由，也找不到接受的冲动。
只好让对方决定，所以是对方不选择自己，是对方爱得不够。

而若曦和四爷的爱情，简单的解释，就是他用方式A去爱她，而她要的却是方式B。
若曦并没有否定四爷对她的爱，却用了太多的时间太多的眼泪太多的心力去抗拒他爱的方式。
而四爷，只是一意孤行地用自己的方式去疼爱若曦。
你说他残忍，他说那是保护。你说他霸道，那是因为他害怕失去。

所以爱本身并不复杂，复杂的是它从来不只是两个人之间的事。

若曦不可能放下和她一起成长的其他阿哥不顾，因为他们也一直在照顾和保护着她。
四爷不可能放下作为皇帝的身段，因为那正是他能够拥有若曦的先决条件。

所以他们注定情深缘浅。
“后悔”这种惩罚比恨、比失去更加残忍。
因为恨可以少一点，可以停止；失去，可以释怀，可以永远忘了。
但后悔，是永远压着心的一块石头 – 压不死，拔不出。
悔，就是心每天每夜反覆地想，为什么我没有…

最后若曦病死了，四爷连她的尸首也没能见到。
我原本以为，这样太狠了。
但没让他看见，或许也是一种仁慈。
至少留给他一点想象的空间 — 她自由了。

而若曦/张晓回到了21世纪，发现历史完全没有记载“马尔泰若曦”这个人。
唯一的证明，是一幅描绘皇上和众阿哥聚会、若曦服侍众人的画。
当时，若曦戴着四爷送的木兰发簪，好玩地捉弄他，请他吃加了盐的甜点。
那应该是他们俩记忆里最快乐的时光吧？

唯一的败笔，是最后“现代”版的四阿哥出现在博物馆里。
爱恨恩怨终于释怀，留下的只有美好的回忆。够了。何必画蛇添足？

最后最后。
饰演四爷的吴奇隆是我从小到大唯一的偶像。
真的，打从心里喜欢和支持。他所有专辑的卡带我都有，早期演过的电影我都看。
对他的喜欢，不是因为小虎队，不是因为他歌唱得多好，或戏演得多了得。
就… 莫名的喜欢。
后来，虽然我也说我爱金城武、木村、李民浩…  但纯粹逢场作戏。

我只想说，谢谢你。

《花月假期》之后，《步步惊心》之前，我再也没有认真看过你演戏。
我一直不愿意证实你已步入中年，因为那表示我也不年轻了。

但原来一个人之所以精彩，是因为他的成长经历，而不是青春无敌。
所以谢谢你，让我见识到了这一点。
也谢谢你，让我的“莫名”变得很实在。

January has been an eventful month and I really should write about it.
In fact, one of my resolutions (besides sleeping early so I can have better skin) is to pen an entry at least once a month.

I am back in office today.
Because according to the horoscope reading, 初三 is the best day for roosters to start work. 

January in summary:

iChestnuts, Ameizing
We caught the play and the concert on 2 consecutive nights (6th and 7th January).

It has become a yearly tradition for me since 4-5 years ago to watch this bunch of crazy and funny people in Chestnuts. I’ve always enjoyed the play because they make me laugh so much. And Sis#3 joined us for the first time!

Ameizing was, well, truly amazing.
I don’t think there is any female singer who can do equally well in making you high and cry at the same time!

I teared when she sang 掉了 because it reminded me of a friend’s late mother, and teared again when she sang her 40-minute medley. 海阔天空 was really a hidden gem of a song.

Chinese New Year
I think we’ve done well for the boot camp this year despite the unnecessary drama (not caused by us, thankfully).
We reached CCK on time on CNY Eve, visited the temples with all the food offerings, prepared for reunion dinner and left to join my family just in time for some gambling fun in-between.

We had an early reunion dinner with my family a day earlier at pu tien, which was really good. Good food, good company.

We arrived at CCK at 9:30am (our earliest!!!) on Day 1 to help with the 千人宴 preparation. Even Ah Ma remarked that we were early.  
Tom cut his thumb while cutting fish and refused to see the doctor until everyone urged him to. He then refused to bring his medication along – saying there was no need to – which resulted in the hb having to drive back from the clinic to retrieve all the medication. It was important to know which medication he was taking for his diabetes, high blood pressure etc before the doctor could prescribe the right treatment for his cut.
And then he insisted on the hb driving us to Malaysia the next day without him, even after the hb protested about not knowing the route.

Thankfully, it was all resolved by the time we drove to my parents’ place.

And then it was po-piah making at my parents’, followed by some kinect fun while the hb caught up on some sleep.

We got back at CCK at 11:30pm to stay the night.
Woke up at 6ish on Day 2, drove in to Malaysia, said hi, said bye, said hi again, said bye again, etc, and finally reached SG at 4pm, hopped over to his godma’s place, and finally finally got home at 6pm.
I showered and dozed off (with my hair still wet) and woke up close to 9pm.

The toughest part of CNY is over!

It remains as stressful as before but I guess we’ve learned (the hard way) to manage it better.
I didn’t even get to have a proper poo (sorry, tmi) for the past 3 days! But I’m happy we’ve done well enough not to be scolded or given the black face or punished with F1-speed driving.

I’ve learned to close an eye to his lazy and rude and forever sleeping sisters. I’ve learned to smile and not say a single thing when people TELL me to have a dragon baby.

The conversation goes either like this:
Random relative: You SHOULD have a dragon baby this year!
Me: (Smiles)

Or like this:

Random relative: You SHOULD have a dragon baby this year!
Me: Hahaha.

Dear Random Relative,

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I am NOT having a dragon baby.
My baby, who might or might not come this year or next year, is going to be a HUMAN BEING.

I don’t mind (as much) if it was close relatives wishing us luck in child-bearing but it was seriously too much.
Even Tom, for the first time, has started hinting at it – with his calligraphy. He wrote the word 劲 and pasted it in our room in CCK, and asked me how I interpreted the word. (Which, by the way, the hb read the word as 圣力instead. LOL)
I deliberately said, Oh it must be for his sisters – for them to study hard and not be so lazy.

I can’t decide if nosey relatives or subtle hinting is worse.
I guess both are equally bad because I like neither of them. Haha.

Wedding Anniversary
Evident from the list of activities above, we did not manage to celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary on the actual day. We had a pretty nice staycation at Hotel Fort Canning, where we got married, a week in advance. And we would be heading to Krabi this coming Sunday for a short vacation.
Gift exchange done!

And last but not least, song of the month:

到了世界尽头 开始习惯了风
捧着厚厚的寂寞 平静向前走 不当做那是折磨
到了世界尽头 开始学会快乐
不同方向的辽阔 是你最后的温柔
一直到现在我才懂 (就算舍不得也不能回头)
海阔天空 在我心中
湿透了眼 就不再迷惑
望着你给的黑夜 当泪划过 才能对自己宽容
海阔天空 我顶着风
当雾散开 就真的自由
独自寻遍这地球 找新的出口 谢谢你让我爱过

-张惠妹<海阔天空>-

I’d be spending most of February in airports / airplanes / out of Singapore.
Till then!

We are officially 16 minutes into 2012!

What a year it has been.
And I say this every year.

2011 in a nutshell:

1. We housed the 2 of us + my family of 6 in our little 4-room flat for three weeks.
Looking back, all I want to say is, “We did it!” I love my family.

2. I changed assignment and it was horrible I’m still learning a lot.
I am really happy with the performance rating I’ve gotten as a result of my last year in the expensive brand, but it just keeps getting harder from now on.

3. I became a frequent flyer, literally.
I was traveling once a week every week in August and September and boy, it was tough. I was jumping for joy on the night of Oct 9th (Sun) when I read an email about having to cancel my business trip on Monday. I told the hb it was the best thing that happened this year.

4. First holiday with the hb and my sis#3 and #4 in BKK.
Was involved in the bizarre “Lucky Buddha” episode but nothing really happened. Fun shopping with the sisters (and having the hb to carry all the shopping bags for us).

5. I pulled off first surprise birthday celebration for the hb.
It started off “normal”. Breakfast at the prive cafe, CCK for a bit, and then to Sentosa. I’d earlier conned him into believing we were going to Universal Studios for a day and hence packed some clothes because “we will be getting wet from all the rides”. We drove into Sentosa, and I gave him directions before we stopped the car at Amara Sanctuary where I finally told him, “We are staying here for the night”, much to his surprise. Mission accomplished.

6. I picked up running jogging.
In the beginning, I jogged with the hb in an attempt to make him exercise. We did it some weekends but it wasn’t anything serious.. until the instructor for the kickboxing class on Fridays resigned and I just couldn’t find the energy to make my way to Amore on Fridays. Hence, ironically, jogging happened because of my laziness. It was a hassle to get changed, walk 10 minutes to Amore in Tampines One, exercise for 60 minutes, shower and walk 10 minutes back home again. With jogging, all it takes is 5 minutes to get changed and off to the track I go.

So now, it is kickboxing once a week and jogging once or twice a week.

For someone with relatively short attention span and who really believes it’s faster to take a bus or the train (though SMRT has proven us wrong three times this year), I am pretty proud to have come this far.
3.5km at one go (special thanks to Tampines Town Council for entertaining my silly question). I’ve never run this much in my entire life. 2.4km was my maximum – and I typically walked more than I jogged.

I’ve also learned, through jogging, that sometimes, I need to look beyond the discomfort and just keep going. Most of the time, pain and discomfort is transient. They will pass and we will emerge stronger than before.

I look back at my failed running attempt with sis #3 years back. I was probably in JC then. Barely 5 minutes into the run, I had the worst stomachache. I told sis#3, “I can’t run anymore. I need to go home to shit.” Hahaha. I have now learned that the ‘stomachache’ can happen sometimes (I’m still not sure why) but if you keep running, the ‘ache’ actually goes away. Unless, of course, you really need to shit.

Pretty much like life, isn’t it?

With the in-laws, I am happy to say that things have been pretty peaceful and cordial. Ah ma now allows me to fill water for her. She used to not let me do it for her, claiming that I do not know the proportion of hot and cold water to mix. His mom cooks my “favorite” dish every time we are there. I say “favorite” this way because I have merely mentioned once it was really good and it turns up on the table every time now. As for his dad, well, I just take it that he shows his concern in his unique way. I just try not to have an opinion in front of him.

I’ve pretty much settled into married life with the hb, and I’m enjoying it. We have our fair share of fights but after every fight, I think we’ve both walked away knowing each other better.  As for the baby everyone is asking about, we have names!! Lots of weird names, hahaha, but no baby.
According to our agreement, we are supposed to start planning for one next this year. Yes, 2012.
I’m not sure if I am ready or if I am of “mother” calibre, because I still feel like a kid sometimes.
I’d be in a seemingly serious discussion with my boss and thinking, why is he wearing his pants so high??

It still freaks me out. Haha.

Anyway.

I hope 2012 would be a great year for everyone. Here’s to love, joy, happiness and good health.

Shen: How did you find peace? I took away your parents, everything, I scarred you for life…
Po: See that’s the thing, Shen. Scars heal.
Shen: No they don’t… *Wounds* heal.
Po: Oh, yeah… what do scars do? They fade, I guess…
Shen: I don’t care what scars do…!
Po: You should, Shen.
You got to let go of the stuff from past – because it just doesn’t matter!
The only thing that matters is what you choose to be now. 

写《那些年，没有人追的女孩》时，脑海里涌现的画面其实比写出来的还多。
写完后，心里其实有小小的不舍、大大的感激。
于是决定也po上facebook，好好感谢那些陪着我长大的中学/高中同学。

陆陆续续看到和听到其他人对《那些年》的观后感。
有些人说那是青春，有些人说是遗憾。

我说，那是青春的记忆。
青春的泪水是咸的，也是甜的。
我们曾经那么的努力，那么的义无反顾，那么的天真，那么的勇敢。

我不觉得有什么遗憾。

可能人生真的有很多事是徒劳无功的。
可能被某个人喜欢过，就真的很难觉得别人会比他更喜欢自己。

我很庆幸自己努力过。
也很庆幸自己曾经遇见那某个人。

幸福刚刚好，就足够了。

年轻的时候（我现在是有多老啊？！），向往怦然心动、期待轰轰烈烈。
可是，然后呢？

“人啊，老以为那些让你神魂颠倒的就是爱。你妈比神魂颠倒还可怕。先是把日子弄得叽叽喳喳地让你害怕安静，接著成天在你的身边晃来晃去让你的视线里永远有个大背景，然后把你的口腹养刁，再慢慢让你的行为无能，最后你会发现，你再也离不开她，所以就只好死心塌地了。” — 《我可能不会爱你》，老爸说的。

真的。

第一次，感动。就觉得青春好好哦。虽然回不去了。因为回不去了。
第二次，想念。曾经的年少。曾经的单纯。

1994年，我念中学，一年级。
当时，“大哥大”还没盛行，网络还没有普及化，没有facebook, 没有twitter。
我最喜欢听广播，听到好听的歌，会把歌词抄起来，也会守在收音机旁边等待，试图把歌录进卡带。
周末，会听龙虎榜，并把每周的排名抄进小册子里。

哦，当时我的偶像只有一个。我最最最喜欢吴奇隆。

每个故事都有一个胖子，而我，就是那个胖子。
更具体的说，我是个蘑菇头胖子。
一个快乐的胖子。

中学时期让我快乐的事情很多。

中一那年，全级的同学得强制性地参加写作比赛，题目是“我在德明政府中学的日子”。很意外的，我得了第一名。
于是，中学时期的我热衷写作。

快乐，是当学生记者，是当上中文学会文学组组长，是参与学会的对外演出，是放学后跟一群女同学到Kallang Mac吃吃喝喝说说笑笑。
（比较另类的）快乐，是逃过训导主任尖锐的眼神，因为当时的校规实在是严格得有些离谱。

至于谈恋爱，相信我，蘑菇头胖子真的没有想过。

但总还是会有男同学打电话到家里来！
老妈总是唠叨：“这么小不要学人家谈恋爱！”
我其实很想告诉她：“妈！你把我的头发剪成这个样子，你觉得……有可能吗？！”
但我懒得解释。人家是打电话来问功课的啦。

现在回想起来，也许当时蘑菇头胖子良好的自我感觉是跟她老妈学的。

至于暗恋的对象，有啦。
他算是学校里的风云人物，整天被训导主任罚站的那种。
我不知道是真的喜欢，还是在追潮流。
因为我们姓氏英文字母很接近，所以考试的时候，他一定坐在我的前面或后面。
他挺喜欢跟我聊天的。尤其在考试过后。因为讨论答案，是他的嗜好。如果答案跟我的一样，他会很高兴。
我其实最不喜欢讨论答案。因为没有意义。错了，不可能把考卷偷回来改答案。对了，就对了咯。
但是，当时的我，很乐意讨论答案。^^

‘O’ 水准会考成绩放榜，我考得没有预期来的好（现在回想起来，其实只差了两分，真是浪费了我的眼泪）。
好难过，但有一群永远支持我的好朋友的安慰和鼓励，我也没难过太久。

到了初级学院，我终于瘦了一点……但还是蘑菇头胖子啦。虽然到了会考时期病倒瘦了好多，但为~时~已~晚~。

两年的初院生活，可以说是我学生生涯中最煎熬的。
物理是看不懂的公式，经济学是看不懂的文字。

但是幸好，有红楼梦。幸好，有贾家。幸好，有LEP。幸好，有中文学会。幸好，有帮我恶补经济学的凯云。
永远记得彩排的日子。赖在LEP Room不回家的日子。还有LEP Room里那只屁股破了一个洞还一直被我们蹂躏的母鸡soft toy。还有挤柠檬这回事，原来当时已经有伏笔。

‘A’ 水准会考后，我终于买了当时很流行的pager，方便跟不同校的中学朋友联络。

成绩放榜的前一晚，我睡不着，一直看日剧”Heaven’s Coins”看到凌晨三点钟，老妈也陪我一起看。当天早上，姝宏特地到我家附近的四面佛拜拜，并为我打气。父亲特地请假想陪我去拿成绩单，但是被我婉拒了。凯云和我约好，一起等待成绩公布。大家都因为我在准备考试时生的那场大病，担心我看到成绩后可能会很受伤，所以想给我多一点点的鼓励。

在大荧幕上看见自己的名字在“Three As”标题下面，我只记得凯云兴奋地抓着我的手，和我已经模糊的视线……
之后，公共电话大排长龙，因为大家都迫不及待地想要打电话回家，或回复BB call。我也不例外。

就这样，六年的中学和初院生涯完美地结束了。

虽然那些年，我不像戏里的沈佳宜，不是男生一起追的女孩，但是那些年，对我来说，永远是最珍贵、最快乐、最难忘的。
我们或许不是最聪明、最漂亮、最英俊、最受欢迎的，但我们一定是最厉害的！

PS: 献给所有陪我一起成长的朋友们。

三首歌说的是分手后不同时间不同阶段的心情。

青春是一件很奇妙的事。
快乐是双倍的；而悲伤，也是加倍的。

总以为跨不过去，但其实我们都比自己想象中坚强。
事过境迁后，甚至会觉得青春好可爱。

概括地形容分手后的时间表和阶段－
第1天： 哭。
第2-30天：为什么为什么为什么？！
第1-6个月:　你去死吧！
第7-12个月:　只要你过得比我好。　（或者，死得比我早）。
一年后：　谢谢你放过我。

到最后，很多事情其实…已经不重要了。

第一首，分手后一个月至一年后:

田馥甄　《寂寞寂寞就好》
词：施人诚　｜　曲：杨子朴

还是原来那个我　不过流掉几公升泪所以变瘦
对着镜子我承诺　迟早我会还这张脸一堆笑容
不算什麽 爱错就爱错　早点认错 早一点解脱

我寂寞寂寞就好　这时候谁都别来安慰 拥抱
就让我一个人去痛到受不了　想到快疯掉　死不了就还好
我寂寞寂寞就好　你真的不用来我回忆里微笑
我就不相信我会笨到忘不了 赖着不放掉　
人本来就寂寞的 借来的都该还掉　我总会把你戒掉

还是原来那个你　是我自己做梦你有改变什麽
再多的爱也没用　每个人有每个人的业障因果
会有什麽 什麽都没有　早点看破 才看得见以后

第二首，分手六个月至一／两年后：

田馥甄　《寂寞寂寞就好》
词：徐世珍／司鱼｜曲：张简君伟

不确定就别亲吻　感情很容易毁了一个人
一个人若不够狠　爱淡了不离不弃多残忍
你留下来的垃圾　我一天一天总会丢完的
我甚至真心真意的祝福 　永恒在你的身上先发生

你还是要幸福　你千万不要再招惹别人哭
所有错误从我这里落幕　别跟着我 铭心 刻骨
你还是要幸福　我才能确定我还得很清楚
确定自己再也不会占据 你的篇幅
明天 开始 这一切都结束

还我钥匙的备份　我觉得再见可以很单纯
我甚至真心真意的祝福　永恒在你的身上先发生

你如果很幸福　半夜的简讯我就无需回覆
因为你的悲喜已经有了　容身之处
我也 能有 最纯粹的孤独

最后一首，很多很多年后：

那英　《长镜头》
词:　小寒　｜　曲:　蔡健雅

看得见彩虹　我们却都看不见风
於是爱看风筝被操弄　满足好奇的瞳孔
突然间轰隆　倒也是仁慈的一种
不忍心看风筝被摆弄　雨季总那麼有系统

看得见彩虹　我们却都看不见风
蛮横是爱结束的帮凶　我们当时还不懂
突然的重逢　倒也是仁慈的一种
总算能换个纬度想通　我感激缘份这系统

喔　长镜头
我们的回忆没拍下太多泪流
只有凉风蓝海和沙丘
到哪天碰头
你轻巧回避我荒谬的旧伤口
故事结构　就不必追究

So, hello there. To anyone who still bothers to visit this blog.

It has been a four good weeks since I last traveled, and I’m so happy that I don’t even bother to mask my happiness. Not even to my boss.
But of course, what goes around comes around. I know all the crazy traveling would come very soon.. this month.

I guess I should be glad, for I have once thought that only celebrities get to wake up in shock and spend seconds trying to recall where they are.
I did that every time, for the past business trips – dreaming I was in my own bed at home with the hb sleeping beside me and then waking up to discover I was not in my own bed after all.

The not-so-new assignment remains challenging and I’m learning a lot everyday.
My boss is demanding but extremely smart. Before I joined, someone told me he can read people very well and that he knows her better than she knows herself. That, to me, is extremely scary. I hate to be read.

Four months later, we did our first review and he told me I strike him as someone who is very confident and he’s telling me this because it is not a common trait. And because I am confident, I am not afraid to take on new projects, enter new territories and look at massive amount of data.

Well, I’m glad he read that as “confident” and it makes him seem less formidable. The reason why I take on new projects, enter new territories and look at massive amount of data is because.. I have no choice.
To be very honest, I think I’ve struggled quite a bit in this assignment.

He has really high expectations, and I’m not too optimistic about my next rating.

Nevertheless, he is someone I really respect and I’m lucky to always get pretty good bosses.
I’d always remember how he ‘debriefed’ me after a meeting with all the heads of different functions – instead of talking about next steps (He said I’d know anyway), we did some sort of a psychoanalysis of the different characters in the meeting. He made me analyze what each person’s agenda and drivers were. I got the VP’s right but got my own boss’ wrong. Haha. I’ve given up trying to give him the right answers.

It brought my respect for him to a new level.

Other than work, life is pretty good. No complaints whatsoever.
I have so many friends expecting their first or second child in the next few months.
It has been quite a long wait for some of them, and I am really happy for them.

I still shudder at the thought of having kids because I am so afraid of changes. Which is ironic for someone who is in a constantly changing work environment.
I still get pissed off when kaypo relatives and mere acquaintances ask me when we are going to have kids. Why? You want to sponsor me?
I think of the craziest things, like what if I have a boy and he’s as short as I am? What if I have a girl and she looks like the hb? *LOL

I guess I’d just leave it to fate.