Learning to cope

And so the battle continues..

I was discharged on Thursday after a few more rounds of CTG monitoring the baby's heart beat and my contractions.

Dr Tham was confident that the oral medication was working and I could continue resting at home with the meds.

I was still 1cm dilated but he said it should be manageable. Had we been any later and gone beyond 2cm, the labor would have become inevitable.
In his words, "the ball would have already tipped over and rolled off the slope".

The medication came with side effects – Heart palpitations and headache are the common ones.
He said hopefully I'd get used to it, otherwise I'd have to stop the meds.

We'd see him as planned next week, at 35 weeks.

He said we'd have a discussion at 36 weeks on the next course of action. Some mothers choose to keep going but he'd recommend not to go beyond 37 weeks.

He also said I'd not be able to go back to work and would be on sick leave until I deliver.

But if there is any bleeding or cramps in between the scheduled checkups I am to return to the hospital immediately.

I feel very relieved and very, very thankful for this second chance so I am determined to make the best out of it, and make it count.

The side effects from the meds made it almost impossible not to be in bed most of the time.

Besides the heart palpitations and perpetual headache, my chest would tighten out of the blue from time to time. It felt like something was crushing it from both sides and the pressure would extend from the chest up the neck and to the neck.

My fingers were also trembling uncontrollably, back to my hyperthyroidism days.

My legs were aching so badly it felt like something was weighing them down while hitting them all at the same time.

This might be a result of the steriod jabs I took, one at each side of the hips.

The steriod jabs were quite painful. I could feel the meds going in, spreading and forming a sharp ache through my hips and legs.

I'm usually quite tolerant (and quiet) with jabs but I couldn't help but let out an 'ouch!' with this one.

The hubs was with me during the second jab, but he was nonchalantly playing with his phone even as I breathed in and out really hard to get rid of the pain.

Not looking up from his phone, he asked, "Painful ah?"

I said yes it hurts and you are playing with your phone.

He shrugged and said there was nothing he could do anyway.

Well that's true, but.
Sigh.

Sitting at the dining table just to have a quick meal would make my feet red and swollen.

Every part of my body is either aching or hurting.

So while it might look like a breeze lying in bed, it wasn't comfortable at all.

My boss asked for a quick call that morning I was discharged, just so he could hear my voice and be more assured about how I was doing.

He told me that everyone's concerned and asking him for updates.

I feel really bad about the situation, because there is so much happening at work and the plan was for me to do as much as I can in the next 4 weeks.

I'd just started on the project I initiated but am nowhere near anything.

I think my rating is quite screwed and I generally feel quite screwed.

Again and again I know it's a choice I've made.

I choose to focus on meeting expectations, a mostly 9-6 routine completing what I need to, putting in extra hours only when needed.

Unlike my younger days.

Because we can't have both parents focusing on our careers and working late everyday and our kids becoming the helper's kids.

And to be fair the hubs does double duty whenever I go on business trips.

So something's gotta give.

But I genuinely wanted to do the handover properly because that's the least I can do for him and the team, who has been so nice to me.

My boss told me was to focus on resting and we could figure out the handover and whatnots when I feel up to it.

Which was exactly what I did the past few days, because I had absolutely no mindspace for work.

My little boss has been quite understanding about the situation too.

I feel bad about being a remote control mummy, asking her or her Daddy to do things while I'm lying down in bed.

She'd ask me to play with her outside but I had to turn her down or counter propose that she joins me in the room instead.

We didn't go out yesterday, and she was just making the best out of the situation.

She pushed the Ikea trolley, which the hubs had just fixed, into the room and asked me if I wanted apple or orange juice. 😂

And then she went out and came in again to ask me if I wanted sugar for my coffee.

Once she came and asked me why I was lying down and I told her my feet were swollen.

She touched my feet and asked me, "Mummy do you need to go to the hospital?"

I said no and asked her why she thought I should go to the hospital.

She said innocently, "Because your feet painful."

She also followed me to the toilet and insisted on holding my hand while I did my business (small one, don't worry), because "I scared you fall down".

#thingsclarissasays

So far she has only cried a few times.

Once, because she really wanted me to make foam with her while she took her shower.
I obliged because I felt sorry.
Just five minutes of foam-making before my feet swelled up and our helper took over.
And it made her so happy. 😊

She also cried at bedtime when her Daddy told her Mummy would not be able to sleep with her.

The hubs took over bedtime duty because I could neither lie down on her bed with her nor on her mattress.

Big, fat, silent tears rolled out of her eyes as I stood at her bed to say good night.

"I want Mummy to sleep with me," she said sadly.

So Daddy assured her that he'd be with her and she could look for me in the morning as usual when she wakes up.

"I sleep, I wake up, then I look for Mummy in the room," she repeated the sequence to me as tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Yes, you can look for Mummy when you wake up," I said to her as she took my hand to wipe her tears off her face.

Aye times like this make me feel so inadequate.

(And she just walked and bounced off the bed under my watch. 😭

We were just spending time together recapping her ABCs and it was time for her to get changed for her swimming lesson.

She stood up on the bed and said, "I go change into my swimming.." and the next second she had fallen off the bed.

It happened so quickly I couldn't catch her. She wasn't even standing at the edge of the bed.

She cried as the hubs rushed in to help her up.

She must have tripped over the blanket and bounced straight to the floor.

It must have been both painful and scary.

I think my heart nearly jumped out.

Checked for bumps and gave her a long hug.

I feel so sorry all over again.)

She seems fine now and has just left for her swimming lesson with Daddy and Yaya.

Earlier this morning the hubs brought her over to Ah-gong's place + met up with his friend, all on his own. 💪🏅

I managed to sort out Clarissa's old clothes and take out the 0-6M ones for our helper to wash.

Rested in bed, Dayred, dozed off a bit.

Last night I decided to stop taking painkillers. Today I have more than a dull headache and a strange twitch on my left hip. 😥

Would this get easier?

Emotionally, this is hard.

I'm trying to keep off these bouts of sadness I've been feeling not only in the past week but thoughout this year.

I'd like to think that I'm usually a mind over matter type of person so I try to bounce back on my own, and I usually succeed.

But it's been a tough year and I guess I've been too tired for too long.

I feel bad for not being able to keep my spirits up for xbb, and I wonder if it's because it's too hard, or if I didn't try hard enough.

Some things feel like they are slipping away, and it gets lonely sometimes, even though I know I'm not alone.

Most of these feelings shall remain in my drafts, since writing about them has already achieved its cathartic purpose.

Friday was probably the toughest, but this little one came home from school and took over.

"Mummy, Ah-gong bought bao!" She flashed a little blue plastic bag containing a brown paper bag of buns.

"We eat after I change ok? One for you and one for me," She said before zooming off to her room to get changed.

She came back to my room again to play, and suddenly remembered.

"Oh I forgot to eat the bao!" She exclaimed and zoomed back to her room to retrieve the bag.

According to the helper she has hung it on the rear view mirror of her fire truck.

She came back to the room again and proceeded to hand me one of the two buns.

"One for you and one for me," she said before she took a big bite off her bun.

"Nice?" She asked me.

I said yes.

"I like the skin," She told me.

I thought it was going to be the first time she finishes a bun, including the filling, on her own. Because she usually peels the skin off to eat instead of biting the bun directly.

But as she got closer to the red bean paste in the bun, she dug a finger into the paste and tasted it.

Decided she didn't like the red bean paste after all, and got me to hold her bun for her so she could peel the skin off to eat.

#豆沙包不要豆沙谢谢

So in the end, we were left with a chunk of red bean paste without the bao.

That reminded me of myself as a child. I loved the skin of the bun more than the filling (and I still do).

The only difference is that I'd rush to finish up the filling first and take my time to enjoy the rest of the bun.

While this little one just eats what she likes. Someone else can take care of that chunk of red bean paste.

It is as simple as that, isn't it?
Adults are too complicated.

So I'm thankful for that chunk of red bean paste which really cracked me up.

Thankful for the reminder to slow down, and thankful for all the support I'm getting.

I'll be better. 💪💪