“Mummy, look!”

She says to me, at least 20 times a day.

She might be drawing something on the boogie board, or playing with her toy car, or performing stunts like this.

She’d say, “Mummy, look!” and then look at me expectantly for a response.

School’s closed today so I’d taken childcare leave to be at home with the girls.

Nothing much, just playing hide and seek on our way to get lunch. 😆😍

On our way to swimming class.

It’s a make-up lesson for Allie, who has already missed 3 lessons this school term due to her cold.

It’s funny how when I told Clarissa about the make-up lesson, her eyes opened wide and she asked me, incredulously, “Makeup lesson? Allie is going to put on lipstick? But kids cannot put lipstick!”

😂😂😂

#thingsclarissasays

Swimming went pretty well.

We came home, they played, had dinner, and continued playing.

Happy to say that the TV was OFF the entire day, 12 hours and counting.

I didn’t offer to let them watch TV, and they didn’t ask for it either.

*Pats myself on the shoulder.

💪💪💪

Not sure if it’d help with the sleeping tonight.

We had such a horrible night last night.

The girls were asleep by 930pm, but Allie started stirring quite furiously around 1130pm. She managed to go back to sleep, but only for 10 minutes or so.

Then she started crying. And crying. And crying.

She would not let me touch her, or hold her, or carry her.

Her crying and thrashing around the mattress got more and more hysterical. Even our usual trick of turning on nursery rhymes did not work.

So everyone woke up.

I had to take Clarissa to the master bedroom to let her go back to sleep while the hubs took care of Allie.

I went back to Allie when Clarissa fell asleep.

It was nearly 1am by the time I lay back on the mattress and all was calm.

I dozed off and woke up to a cute, chirpy voice saying, “Mummy? Socks please!”

I lifted the bolster that was placed between us to prevent her from rolling off the cot bed (which didn’t work at all, by the way), and saw a face whose eyes glistened cheekily in the dark.

She lifted her feet up to show me how her socks had come off.

“Are you ok to wear Jiejie’s socks?” I asked her. I couldn’t muster the energy to search for her socks in the dark, nor did I want to get out of the room to get her socks.

“Yes!” She said.

I looked at the clock.

It was 345am.

So I put on the socks for her and she sat up, leaned over and planted a big kiss on my lips. And then she smiled happily, as if the earlier crazy crying episode did not happen.

She proceeded to roll around the mattress, effectively making me get up to lie down on Clarissa’s bed instead.

“Mummy, look!” She exclaimed and proceeded to show me how she kicked her legs like she was swimming in water.

Fortunately she eventually dozed off on her own.. before my day started at 715am today.

I came across this article today and can’t help but agree with every word.

But the truth is that self-care is not enough. And it’s time that we stop telling moms that a simple act of self-care will undo the years of culture-induced overwhelm that is causing us all to burn out.

There is no bubble bath that will hush the constant underlying buzz of anxiety.

There is no girls-weekend-away that will undo the isolation of a fourth trimester spent without a village.

There is no nap that will revive the energy poured into balancing a career with motherhood.

There is no glass of wine that will ease the accumulating effect of all the ailments we “haven’t had time to see a doctor about.”

And this:

You are burnt out because you’ve poured from your cup for so long that you’ve forgotten how to tilt the cup upright and save some for yourself.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Mama, you are not doing it wrong. It’s just that hard.

And your burnout is not your fault.

It’s no one’s fault but I feel burnt out.

It’s been years since I had a proper sleep for more than two nights in a row.

I look forward to bedtime every day yet i fear bedtime too, not knowing if I’d be kept awake by a gastric attack or incessant crying from a child I am often unable to quickly console.

And as for self care.. what is that?

My priority right now is to get my health back in order.